Parenting Tips
 

Strong families have a few things in common. At the top of the list are spending regular time together, having fun, communicating, and solving problems. Below you'll find detailed parenting tactics for young children, tweens, and teens alike.


Get Involved

Establish Family Meetings

Communicate Openly

Spend Time Together

Talk about Drugs Together

Be Honest

Grandparents are Parents, Too

Tips about Teen Parties

Get Involved

Kids who are close to their parents are least likely to engage in risky behavior. The more involved you are in your children's lives the more valued they'll feel and the more likely they'll be to respond to you. Establish "together time" -- a regular, weekly routine for doing something special with your child and as a family.

Preschool: Spend time together in both child-directed and parent-directed activity. Play the games and read the stories your child chooses, and involve him or her in your household activities like cooking, cleaning up, yard work, or caring for pets.

Elementary and Tween: The danger zone for drug use is between 4 and 6 PM when there's no adult supervision. Do whatever it takes: arrange for after school programs or practices, flex time at work, an adult to check in with. If this is not possible, have structured plans and expectations for this time period, call frequently and drop in unannounced every now and then.

Junior and Senior High: Don't be afraid to ask where your kids are going, who they'll be with and what they'll be doing. Get to know your kids' friends - and their parents, if possible - so you're familiar with their activities.

Eat together as often as you can - without the TV. Meals are a great opportunity to talk about the day, to check in, unwind, and bond. Kids whose families eat together at least 5 times a week are less likely to be involved with drugs or alcohol. If meals aren't possible, use time in the car or at bedtime for the same purpose.

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Establish Family Meetings

The family meeting is a tool for togetherness that is recommended by nearly all family development experts. If you've never had one, expect some grumbling and
awkwardness at first, but if you stick with it, kids and parents will end up liking this structured time.

First: Plan a time when all family members can attend. Before or after a
sit-down meal on the same day each week is ideal, but whatever works for
you is just fine. Turn off the TV and let the answering machine pick up calls.
The word POPP summarizes what happens at every meeting.
Positive Opening: Begin with positive comments and affirmations. Share a
funny thing that happened to each person or a success they had during the
week; tell each other family member something you appreciate about them;
or point out behavior each person has noticed that supports a "theme of the
month" like respect.

Open communication: Give everyone an opportunity to raise issues, and
express feelings and opinions, while protecting individuals from feeling
attacked, minimized, or ganged up on

Problem solve: Discuss and resolve family problems - one or two a meeting.
Choose issues appropriate for everyone's input. For example: "We seem to
be having trouble keeping the family room neat. Let's figure out what we can
do." Report on progress toward your goals at the next meeting.

Plan: Keep the meeting from drudgery by getting input on fun times like
vacations, celebrations, special meals, day trips, etc. This is also the time for
discussing things like after school and weekend transportation needs, individual
events, family participation in activities, etc.

Tips for success:

• Avoid parental lectures - use the time for everyone's input
• If there's a conflict between individuals, meet with just the involved parties at another time. Discussion by everyone usually makes it worse.
• Make sure everyone understands that parents have veto power. Children won't resent it as long as they really feel like they are being heard.
• Work on only one or two problems per meeting - more is overwhelming.
• Protect everyone - including parents - from insults or attacks.
• Keep trying! Like everything else, meetings improve with practice.

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Communicate Openly

A recent study by the PTA said that 5 minutes per day is the average amount of time spent in real communication between parent and child. 98% of parents say they've talked with their children about drugs, but only 27% of teens say they're learning a lot at home about the risks of drugs. Communication is the key!

Preschool: Little children learn to behave on the basis of what works. Develop a family life where kindness, good communication and respect - not lashing out, whining or scorn - are what "works."

Elementary: Be a better listener. Ask questions, and encourage your children to do the same. Ask for their input on family decisions. Showing your willingness to really listen will make your child feel more comfortable opening up to you.

Tween: Do you know your child's favorite music group? What's cool at school? These things may seem trivial to a busy parent, but the more you know, the better your child will feel about discussing drugs and other sensitive issues with you. Use TV reports and commercials, news from school or friends to help you introduce
the subject of smoking and drinking in a natural, unforced way.

Middle School: Clear communication is the key in this time of transition. Listen to your young teen - both words and feelings. Invite questions; give honest answers. Be absolutely clear with your kids that you don't want them using alcohol, tobacco, marijuana or other drugs, ever. Most of what we call peer pressure is a person's own need to have friends and to belong. Help your child think about - and practice - how to say no effectively in different situations.

Teen: If your teen makes statements that challenge and shock you, turn them into a calm discussion of why s/he thinks people use drugs, or whether the effect is worth the risk. Leave no doubt about your expectation that your teen will remain drug and alcohol free. When young people are deciding whether to use, a crucial consideration is, "What will my parents think?"

The better you know your child or teen, the better you communicate, the smoother your family life will be. That's a reward worth working for.

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Spend Time Together

The best way you can help your kids avoid destructive behavior by spending time with them, talking to them about their friends, school activities, interests, and asking them what they think. Research shows that knowing your kids, who they hang out with - and their parents - dramatically reduces the likelihood that they will get into trouble with tobacco, alcohol, and drugs.

Preschool: Teach your little one that all feelings are acceptable but violence is not. Begin early helping your child talk out anger and disappointment. Let your child know that you are always there to listen, comfort, and hug.

Elementary: Keep that physical connection to your child with plenty of hugs and pats on the back, while respecting their changing need to avoid shows of affection in front of others. Put down the phone, turn off the TV, and spend genuine time together, playing board or interactive computer games, going for a walk or hike, shooting hoops - whatever your child likes to do. Even when time is short, if you're 100% focused on your child you'll communicate love.

Tweens and Young Teens: Bedtime and car time, especially in the dark, are great times for all kinds of intimate conversations. Your child will be more likely to reveal embarrassing feelings or ask questions when you can't quite see his face. A quiet talk at the end of the day is also a good way to put small conflicts behind you and concentrate on what's really important.

Teens: Showing love for teens is something of a balancing act. Young people need increasing independence to spread their wings and develop a sense of individual responsibility. They also need rules and consequences from parents who place their health and safety above all else. Try to block out weekly time for your teen one-on-one. Teens' attitudes, feelings, and opinions are strong and changing. It takes effort to stay well connected. And don't buy the argument that teens won't listen to parents. Every survey out there confirms that teenagers want a good relationship with their parents, and a majority of them are willing to work to make it happen.

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Talk about Drugs Together

The most effective deterrent to drug use isn't the police or prisons or politicians - it's YOU! Kids who learn about the risks of drug use from their parents are 36% less likely to smoke marijuana than kids who learn nothing from them. If you talk to your kids about the dangers of drug use, they are also 50% less likely to use inhalants, 56% less likely to use cocaine and 65% less likely to use LSD. All because you took the time to talk to them.

Preschool: Empower your child to be safe and healthy. If there's a sudden change in your child's behavior - if s/he goes back to outgrown habits like bedwetting or fear of sleeping alone; if s/he seems unhappy or fearful - these are warning signs of distress the child can't verbalize. Create a safe listening environment, spend extra time close to the child, and, if you don't find out what's wrong, talk to your doctor or a counselor.

Elementary: Make clear and consistent family rules, with negative consequences that are not severe. If the consequences are agreed upon beforehand and are mild enough that they are seen as fair, they will be easier to enforce consistently, every time.

Tweens and young teens: Have kids check in a regular times when they're away from home or school. Call parents whose home is to be used for a party, and don't be afraid to stop in on party night to say hello and make sure there's good supervision. Get to school events a little early to make sure your child comes out of the dance, and doesn't arrive from somewhere else. Even better, volunteer to chaperone or help every now and then. You'll see first hand what your kids are facing.

Teens: Set a curfew and enforce it, with negotiation available beforehand for special events. Make it easy to leave a party where alcohol or other drugs are being used. Discuss in advance how to signal you or another trusted adult who will come to pick your child up the moment s/he feels uncomfortable. And listen to your instincts. Don't be afraid to intervene if your gut reaction tells you that something is wrong.

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Be Honest

Kids are bound to ask you the question you've always feared - did you ever do drugs? You want to be honest because you love and respect them, but unless the answer is an unqualified "no," it's a difficult question. Be prepared! If you have used drugs in the past, you can tell them the truth because, at one time or another, everyone has done something they wish they hadn't. Remember, the issue is not your past; it's your child's future. Regardless of your own history
with drugs, it's your responsibility to set limits for your children and to tell them that you don't want them to do anything that's bad for them, including smoking, drinking and drugs.

Preschool: Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, medicine (prescription and over the counter), poisonous chemicals, weapons, matches, etc., all belong in the category of "DON'T TOUCH!" for children. Keep it simple, straightforward, and absolute. Never let your child bring you a beer or a cigarette. Adults use and touch many things that children do not.

Elementary: Remember that when it comes to talking about difficult subjects like drinking and drugs, it's not about a 5-minute conversation when your child enters junior high - it's about building an ongoing dialogue. Start early discussing things your children see on TV, the internet or other media. Do more listening than talking so that you are not overloading your child with more information than they need, but if you ask you'll discover that they know a lot more than you think!

Tween and young teen: Early smoking is the single biggest predictor of future drug use, and one out of every two people who begin to drink by age 14 become alcoholic, in contrast to 1 out of 10 in the general population. Now is the time to be talking to your kids about your expectation that they will not smoke or drink.

Teens: Is marijuana really so bad for your teen? The answer is an emphatic "Yes!"

Marijuana …

1. is illegal.
2. is up to 7 times stronger than the pot of the '60s.
3. is much more cancer causing than tobacco. (5 joints a week = 1 pack a day)
4. exposes users to more illegal drugs, more trouble in school, with the law, with family and non-using friends, and more sexual risk than non-users.
5. slows reaction and distorts perception, causing poor performance in school and athletics, dangerous driving, and a decreased sense of danger.
6. takes away motivation and affects memory and learning when it's used regularly. Habitual users tend to do worse in school and are more likely to drop out, or "get stuck" after graduation.

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Grandparents are Parents, Too

After parental influence, the single biggest factor protecting young people from drug use is a strong ongoing relationship with another adult. Grandpa, grandma, nana, papa, whatever you're called - that's you! We rarely approve of all the things our adult children do, including how they raise their children, but it's a wise grandparent who doesn't interfere. What can you do to take a role in bringing up drug-free grandkids when you can't control the behavior of their parents?

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Tips about Teen Parties

Most teen DWI crashes and other alcohol related injuries and deaths occur when young people have been partying together. Dealing with these party situations in a constructive way is your best chance of helping your teenager to stay safe. There are two undeniable facts that today's teens and parents must face: (1) Alcohol and other drugs are available to teen party goers in every community, every weekend. (2) In spite of the potential for serious legal liability, many parents leave their teens home alone and unsupervised on weekends. Teens who are alone
often hold parties, and even if their intentions are the best, such events can quickly get out of control. How can your family prevent the personal consequences - date rape, fights, property damage, alcohol poisoning, and DWI - of this out of control party scene?

1. Begin as early as you can to establish family party policy.

• Consider the parties you hold and attend. Do people get drunk? Is there talk about how well someone holds their liquor? Do kids see their parents doing "shots" or drinking to excess? You can be sure that your children are noticing your party behavior, and that it is serving as a model (or justification) for theirs. (Click this link for more information about the "Parents Who Host Lose the Most" initiative.)
   
• Make sure that all parties and activities your tween or young teen attends are actively supervised by parents or other responsible adults. Don't just ask your child if parents will be home. Call! Make sure that you have a good feeling about the responsibility level of the parents concerned, and that supervision means a regular presence in the rooms where the party is held. Use middle and junior high as a time to assess and build your teen's level of individual responsibility and commitment to drug free socializing. It will make your job easier later on.

2. Work with your high school teenager to set mutually agreeable party rules.

If you do this, teens are far more likely to respect limitations. Parents should begin this process by determining with their spouse or a group of parents what "bottom line" behavior they expect.

If you want to promote your teen's health and safety and prevent civil or criminal prosecution, we recommend that the following are not negotiable:

• Supervise all parties held in your home, and do not allow underage tobacco or alcohol use, or the use of any other drug. You bear liability for any accidents or injuries which may occur because of underage use, whether or not you are at home.

• Be awake enough to have a face to face conversation with your teen when s/he arrives home. Not only will you to find out immediately if your child is under the influence, but your teen will know that you care enough to enforce the rules - a proven deterrent to use.

• Know where your teen is, and whom s/he is with. Have your teen call for prior permission if there is a change of plans during the evening.

• Make it easy for your child to phone home for help. If you are not available, make sure you have a back-up! Do not grill your child about this call; just go and get them, no questions asked.

Do negotiate:

• Specific plans for parties in your house: What rooms are to be used? How will uninvited guests or someone who arrives under the influence be dealt with? How subtle should parental presence be? What lighting level will be expected? Who will intervene in inappropriate guest behavior? What about late arrivals? Noise level? And of course, the fun things like food, and music.

• Specific plans for party attendance: Will parents call the host about supervision? Who can ride with or drive your teen? What should your teen do if alcohol and/or other drugs are being used? What about spending the night with a friend after a party? Under what circumstances should the teen call parents? When is the teen expected home?

3. Build a support network

Every teen knows exactly how to manipulate his/her own parents, and most have years and years of practice. Whether there are one or two adults in your family, it helps to be part of a parent support network composed of the parents of your child's friends. If several parents agree to support the same bottom lines, to carefully monitor teens when they come home from parties, and to talk to each other about potential problems or concerns, each parent will find their job much easier and more pleasant. Being a parent is a lonely job - almost as lonely as being a teen. It's a lot more fun and effective with proper support.

If your children are young, build a network now. Don't wait until the teen pressures occur to get together. A network that starts when the children are young and grows with them can have a major positive impact on every member of the family, even if their friends change as they grow. In fact, most successful teens have other adults in addition to their parents with whom they can discuss sensitive issues.

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For more information, please call 518-581-1230.